Sibling Rivalry

The natural feelings of competition among siblings that can flare into squabbles and bickering are completely normal and can help children learn valuable lessons in getting along with others and settling differences. However, sibling rivalry can become a problem if the rivalry escalates unchecked into severe physical violence, verbal abuse and harassment, or if parents expect their children to get along together perfectly at all times or if parents consistently take sides against one child.

Learning to cope with disagreements and disputes with brothers and sisters can help to promote several important skills, such as how to compromise and negotiate and control aggressive feelings. However, while some degree of sibling conflict can help teach life skills, parents must keep conflict under control.

Conflict among siblings is influenced by the personalities of all the children in the family, especially those who lack skills in language or social interaction. Recent research suggests that the family dynamics also can affect sibling conflict, and it is less likely to be a problem if parents model ways to solve problems and disagreements in ways that are respectful, productive, and not aggressive. Keeping sibling rivalry to a minimum is also easier if the family clearly forbids physical aggression and name-calling and instead spends time together in enjoyable activities.

Research also shows that exposure to violent TV and movie images increases the risk of aggressive behavior among children, and that children’s shows that portray significant sibling conflict and disrespect can increase sibling rivalry at home. This is why it is important for parents to teach critical viewing skills and to help their children understand the consequences of violence and disrespect.

Most experts agree that parents should get involved in their children’s disputes if there is a risk of physical harm; otherwise, children should be encouraged to resolve the problems themselves. If parents must intervene, they should separate the children and ask them to come up with at least one idea about how their conflict could have been avoided or resolved. It is far more effective to allow children to solve their own problems than to punish them for not getting along. At the same time, parents should try not to figure out which child is to blame but simply assume that since it takes two to fight, everyone involved is partly responsible.

Severe sibling rivalry may best be handled during weekly family meetings in which parents remind their children of family rules about fighting and name-calling and review ways to settle conflicts.

In a few families, the conflict between siblings is so severe that the help of a mental health professional may be required. Signs that a family may need outside help in solving the problem include conflict that is causing marital problems, creates a real danger of physical harm, or that is hurting a child’s self-esteem or psychological well-being.